Expectations and Explanations

One is expected to be happy.
One is expected to have something they do for fun.
One is expected to have a lot of friends.

These expectations are just ridiculous.
Whoever invented them has a seriously closed point of view.

Someone asked me on my main blog what I do for fun.
I didn't have an answer for them.

Subsequently, someone rudely asked if I actually have any friends.
As if I'm somehow inferior if I don't have a friend group I do every damn thing with.

I don't talk about my condition in a place connected to my identity.
It's no one's business.

So much do I wish I could explain the real problem to these people.
It's not about not having friends, it's about how depression kills my life.

But I'm also avoidant-personality.
Combine the two together and...

What makes anyone think I would be so compelled to so much with other people?
Are people expected to be incapable of doing things by themselves?

I certainly can; and I do.
I don't need other people in order to do mundane, daily tasks.

Do I still need people?
Yes, some people I do need.

But there's always a time and a place.

I have episodes so often.
So I'm constantly trying to catch up on whatever they distracted me from doing.

I think people would understand better if they realized that.
Though, of course, assuming stigma doesn't affect their judgment.

This disorder is frustrating by itself.
But what makes it more frustrating is the stigma.

None of my friends know about this.
And I'm afraid of telling them for fear of judgment.

I only have two people I can talk to about this stuff.
My S.O. and a close friend.

But it doesn't feel like enough.

I constantly feel like I need to explain myself for my behavior.
Or else people think I have an excuse.

I had a huge problem with a depressive episode this week.
My professor is letting me make up my orgo test on Monday.

That's helpful, sure, and I'm extremely thankful.
But I was forced to lie and hide from my friends so they didn't feel cheated.

I've never really had to do that before.
I felt really bad about it.

But what can I do?