Down Down Down

I think I am officially at a point where I have slipped.

I have always been confident in myself.
But doubts of my current abilities are haunting me every day.

I have a fear of doing poorly in school because of my illness.
But I think I have a fear that's even more severe than that.

The fear of losing my friends and being unable to make new ones.

I already feel like a tag-along in my friend group.
But what will happen if I leave school?

Will they leave me behind when I return?

I have the opportunity to make great friends with a really awesome person.
She wants to take classes at my college partially because she wants to hang out with me.

I've never had that.
I've never had a girl best friend.

I'm just afraid that if I leave school this semester that I won't be able to catch up in the summer.
And that I won't be able to take classes with her.

And I will lose a potential really great friend.

But I really think it is time.
I am not getting better and I am not able to cope.

I've been down so much that even mania can't compete.
I had mixed features today that only lasted a short while.

I've never been suicidal.
I like myself.

But I worry that if my mood keeps getting lower that eventually I might.

There are so many additional things that I don't want to let go of by leaving school.
Obviously I don't want to halt my education, because it genuinely make me happy (when I'm stable).

If I leave I will be losing the opportunity to see my S.O. every day.
He's already graduating this semester and I've been feeling down about being away from him again.

If I leave I will no longer be able to be assistant opinion editor of my paper.
And I just got that position literally last week.

If I leave I will be forced to take organic chemistry II over the summer.
That puts a lot on the line and I'm afraid I won't be stable enough to handle it.

If I leave I will also be behind in other parts of my degree.
Meaning loading up my breaks with core classes.

If I leave I will not have a stable job with great pay.
I like tutoring, but more importantly, I need to repay my holiday debt.

If I leave I'm afraid that I will place a huge financial burden on my parents.
I already have problems with my own money.

If I leave I'm afraid that I will never be stable enough to come back.



But if I leave...

I may be able to get better.
I might be very stable next semester.
My friends might be more sensitive to my problems.
I will learn coping skills.
I will be better able to take care of myself.
And I will have people who love me help take care of me.
I will have the opportunity to grow from this experience.
I might start to enjoy life instead of just trudging through it.
I will have the ability to enjoy things again.

If I leave then I will be acknowledging when enough is enough.



I don't like to give up.
I'm the person who does everything.
Says yes to everything.
Wants to help with everything.

"You can do anything, but you can't do everything."

I need to fully internalize this quote.
And actually follow it.

I've spent too much time researching how to become more efficient.
How to be more productive.
How to be better at studying.
But I've missed the most important point...

I need to spend time figuring out how to be healthy.

My gut tells me that the people close to me will tell me this decision is due to my depression.
But my heart tells me that I need to swallow my pride and do this.

I am not giving up.
I am not a failure.
I am not a fraud.
I am not making excuses.
I am not weak.
I am not inadequate.

I am strong.
I am capable.
I am perfectly capable.
I am intelligent.

I can do this.